Lessons on Horseback
“No hour is wasted that is spent in the saddle”
I didn’t know I was bound.
It didn’t dawn on me until I started going to church again at the age of 16. For the first time, I became aware of the ugly thoughts and destructive habits permeating my life. I was wrapped up in chains.
I started my rededicated walk with God by becoming a great rule follower and outward behavior corrector. Though I was learning the ropes of fitting in at church my heart was still full of conflict. Looking back, I see it was my zany and energetic friend Amy who helped me not give up on the whole “being good” life of following God. She had a special way of making me feel like I belonged no matter what.
One late spring day she invited me to take a horseback ride with her in the country. I am afraid of big animals, horses included, but I didn’t want her to know that. After all, “God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power love, and a sound mind.”(2 Timothy 1:7) We mounted the horses. Being a horse lover, she led the way confidently while I took deep breaths.
“Way to go, girl!” I said in a quavering voice to the horse.
I thought at that moment: I will pretend to be confident. Pretending had been something I had grown very accustomed to. As the trail led to the busy country road I felt my anxiety increase as I thought of the cars that could pass us. What if the horse got spooked?
“Nice little horsey,” I called out.
Soon a group of cars passed us and with each one I cussed loudly. Embarrassed I apologized to my Christian friend. She just laughed all the harder. In frustration, I tried to reign in my fear, but as another car passed a foul word escaped my lips again. I felt ashamed of my bad mouth, and freaking out on the horse I felt doomed to continued failure.
When we got back to her house I felt so dejected because the broken Dianne had risen to the surface again, but Amy just continued to laugh. In that moment of self-condemnation, I saw the grace of God. In her loving face, I saw that I still had a place in her friendship and I still had a place in God’s kingdom even when the ugly bled out for all to see. This revelation caused a chain link to come loose.
Holiness is a process.
I learned that I was accepted by God not by my efforts but by my relationship with Jesus Christ alone. I will not live a perfect life, but as I walked with my friend I had the strength to stay on the path of faith. Today I still struggle with accepting my faults and failures. I battle to allow God to show up in my life instead of just trying to be brave on my own.
Do you ever struggle with trying to be good enough?
I learned on horseback when fear is kicked up the ugly things lurking in my heart will undoubtedly be revealed. It is as true today as it was when I was a teenager trying to be “good.” I was surprised to learn uncovering hidden struggles is a positive thing. When those foul words started to erupt I was able to see the grace I didn’t know existed for me. He is the only one that can break the chains of not-good-enoughness.
To be honest, even today when I am afraid or under stress, a foul word will come to the surface. Sometimes it will spill out in the van as I am driving, or erupt as I am trying to handle a crisis. Just like the seventeen-year-old girl on horseback I feel defeated and mortified. In confusion, I wonder how I still could be chained to that ugly old habit. And then I picture the loving face of my friend Amy accepting me despite my faults.
“Each time He said, “My grace is all you need, My power works best in weakness,” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so the power of Christ can work through me. ”
Grace is a gift that is unmerited, freely given, and unearned. It comes to us in the moment of failure when we choose to open our hearts to the Lord. His grace has the power to flow over our faults and wash us clean again. There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain. I have seen this power at work in my life as well as in others. These pillars of faith are my greatest treasures.
I am not perfect but I am changed by the grace of God in those moments of surrender. His grace can break any chain.
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