A New Hello
We were invited to join a group of Christian leaders for a conference in Hawaii. The resort was beautiful and expensive, but the trip was paid for. On the first morning, we gathered for breakfast on the lawn. It was a Sunday. The open sky above us and crashing waves off in the distance were the perfect backdrop for the morning.
The air smelled like gardenias, and a simple walk down the street drew your eye to countless flowering bushes and trees. Hawaii is known for its vibrant colored plant life contrasted by the stark black craggy coastal line. A volcano could be seen from the hotel in the distance rising up from the ocean and cloaked in clouds.
I was inspired.
I had also decided to be happy. In the past, sometimes around big-name Christian leaders, I felt small and insecure. But I had made up my mind it wasn’t happening to me again, not on this trip.
After the beautiful breakfast with worship led by a professional singer and his beautiful wife in the open air, we headed back to our room. I felt the electric energy of my senses united with hope. I felt certain we were here for a special reason.
We were invited by another couple to go explore the island after breakfast. They had rented a car and seemed excited to have us join them. In a rush, we didn’t shut our hotel door as we grabbed a bag of essential items for the trip. We were just running back to the room for a moment. Throwing the bag over my shoulder I looked out into the hall ready for our departure. To my surprise just as I looked up I locked eyes with my former Pastor, now standing in the hallway. The one who had let us go when I was nine months pregnant. The one I had hated.
“Hi there, “I heard myself saying, “It’s good to see you.” Who was this friendly person speaking to a man I had been so furious with?
In a moment I learned they had been invited to the conference too. Instantly as I spoke to them with no prior thought or preparation I realized God had given me a release from the bitterness I had held toward them, this Pastor and his wife. As they left to go to their room nearby I felt a tingle start in my brain and run down my spine. Would I go back into the depression in Hawaii? Would his words and past deeds steal my joy again?
“No!” the feeling dissolved in a second. I was free. I would not carry the weight of his rejection any longer.
Hawaii is a magical place, I firmly believe, but only God can heal the heart.
This morning as I read an old blog I remembered the hard season under this former Pastor. I felt the temptation to be angry. I have changed and not entirely for the better. Though I had forgiven this leader I still struggled to move forward as a worship pastor in ministry.
Was he right? Was I too old? Too outdated? Was I meant for smaller things?
I didn’t want those thoughts to be a death sentence for my future. I would deny I accepted any such words as truth, but somehow they clung to me. They bubbled up like lava under pressure and as the eruption cooled a new structure formed inside, a heart in armor.
Recently, in an effort to gain clarity, I have been looking through old journals of my life. To own my story is to look at hard times and invite God into the hurts. To be honest, I don’t like to remember all the details. When I make myself look back I can see how the enemy tied me down to old negative messages. These messages I don’t want to believe anymore.
How about you? Have you been locked up by past negative words spoken over you? Instead of standing up on the inside and proclaiming: This is not who I am!
As I remember Hawaii I think of the beautiful colors and floral fragrances. I remember the joy of making new friends and walking in forgiveness. I marvel that in the moment of coming face to face with a former enemy, I felt no anger, I felt nothing but the power of a new hello.
I need this power in my present moment. I need a new hello. Forgetting the ugly lies and unfortunate truths of the past and pressing on toward the mark, the higher calling of God.
God gave the gift of forgiveness that day. And I thank him because the detailed story goes like this. I was mad, I was hurt, I was in blame both of self and the people who hurt me, I was angry, and I was hopeless. I wrote an apology in an email several years ago thinking that would do it, but my emotions continued to tell me I wasn’t healed. I hadn’t just gotten over it. And this is the truth about the loss in life, there is no magic wand to wave to take it away.
The anger and bitterness I was trapped in had diminished my own view of myself. I could no longer believe I was able to be who God called me to be. The bitterness changed me in many ways, but I can testify that though I was struck down by a brother in the faith I was not destroyed. These wounds from a friend were not for my harm but for my healing, I write that even now by faith.
It was several years later in the doorway of my hotel room it finally came. On my dream vacation, the gift of forgiveness arrived with a simple hello. It was a good thing too because that very night we were assigned to a table and seated right next to this couple.
Today I believe a greater woman of God is emerging as I continue to lay down the hurt. Ministry has been hard, this I must admit to myself and to my God. But as I look soberly at the wounds I know I will rise stronger. My strength will be found in surrendering the injuries and picking up my cross. It is here I see the sacrifice of Christ’s death and resurrection more personally. I can see more clearly His healing power transforming my heart.
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings new life]. ”
His banner over me is love.
Just as peaceful as walking on the shores of Hawaii looking out into blue waters ebbing and flowing like the grace of God, I see Him, my Savior. I see Him here in the soggy earth and dead grass surrounding my farmhouse in the early spring. The air has the faint smell of manure as the gray sky awakens with the lively honking of the returning geese. No this is not Hawaii, but I am still dwelling in the arms of the Father.
If you are in a place of grief or loss today I wish I could wrap my physical arms around you. I wish I could sit with you, but here are my words and this is my story of walking through sorrows. This is how, through time, the Lord gave me a priceless gift: the power to move on.
I have not forgotten the negative things that happened. Instead, I choose to let go of the power such moments used to hold over me. If Hawaii has taught me anything it is this:
It’s time to greet the old with a New Hello.
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