Lost in Wonder
I leaned out over the water with my hands stretching, reaching out. The tips of my fingers barely touched the glass surface causing circles first small then spreading like an echo out-out-out.
The day was still except for the buzz of mosquitos dancing on the surface. In the brown water, I saw the green moss fuzz wrapped around the rocks as big as my knees, knees now muddy with the soft earth and grass. I was comfortable leaning and touching. The water was still and felt cool to the touch as birds chirp in the trees overhead. A flurry of bright chlorophyll fluttered green above in a breeze soft as a lullaby. I leaned, I stretched, down to the water until my breath was closer than a friend, speaking in a hushing sound. A shadowy girl looked back at me. Did I know her? She shared my eyes though glowing in smokey grey. I looked beyond her down, down into the murky brown but the sky and sun blinded my view with the joy of the spring noon.
What lies beneath, beyond just under the silverish surface?
Breathing softer, holding my breath I pondered. Why can’t I see beyond this brown and this green, my hands stretched, my body balanced on land, rocky edge, and waters? The burning in the muscles running down from my neck to back and then further to my legs and feet increased. I can’t remain this way for much longer gravity is fighting me, I thought. My body shook in the invisible war, making me succumb to the force of reality. In this reality, I felt lost. Plunging my face in, shattering the mirror with a rippling splash. My eyes popped open to the murky brown silt and floating debris. Frustrated I knew I couldn’t find the bottom without my hands touching the black clay and sand. The bottom was easily found but I hated the squishy earth clinging to my hands as the pressure grew in my lungs. Struggling. My head popped up, I felt the cool clinging water on my blouse now glued to my skin, and I laughed at my foolishness. How would I explain to my husband and children why my hair and clothes were drenched? Then I remembered. It is only Brad and Judah now, the other children are grown and busy with their own lives…
I slowly climbed out of the water with my hands grabbing for the rocks in an effort to keep my shorts and shoes dry. The breeze was cool on the dampened skin of my face and arms returning my focus to this present moment.
I feel young and silly, when was the last time I took a dip in the lake? I smile showing all my teeth, like a child, as I realize I have just done something spontaneously. I wasn’t sure just a moment ago that I knew the girl in the reflection, so much has changed for her… But standing to my feet I feel happy to get out of my own head for a moment and simply enjoy the world around me. The birds chirp loudly overhead as if to say, “daughter you have finally joined us.” The rustling leaves dancing in the breeze sound as if they are clapping, “You did it! You shook off the mundane to listen, to look, to see.”
Life is always pressing us forward like a branch in the steady current of a river. It’s easy to just go with the ever-pressing flow. But for a moment I stopped, for a moment wonder overtook me. The water is dripping now into my khaki shorts as I watch my shoes navigate the grassy path back to the camper.
It is here at the park only a few miles from our house I find rest in nature. Somehow her voice grows louder than the responsibilities, the worries, the constant pull of life’s demands.
As I walk, I hear the crunch of my shoes against rocks and fallen branches mixed with the song of birds, the chirp of crickets, and the rustling leaves. It is a symphony. I am caught off guard by the fresh scent of lilac. I look for the spray of purple blossoms in the green shade of the woods. Just to my right, the tiny blooms stretch out their hands to say hello.
I remember in my girlhood, how I loved to stop in the beauty of their fragrance. I can almost see the girl I once was. Questions assailed her: Who will you become? Will you ever find true love? Will you ever have a home all your own? Now I know the answer to such questions, but sometimes it is just nice to return to the wonder. It is refreshing to wander like a child and dream. This time it is not about what I could become but more about just being still. It is here that I can hear the voice of the Savior speaking. The voice of the one who hovered over the waters in the beginning. The one who called to the sun to shine and the waters to flow, to the one who gave the bird its song, and the lilac its bloom.
Perhaps as I take in nature I am simply reminded of the care of God for all creation. And I can’t help but feel like I am His favorite. The still small voice of the Savior beckons me to draw near and in the verdant canopy, I hear Him.
“I am the vine; you are the branches....remain in Me.”
As I walk, I know this trail will lead me back to the life I have known, so I slow my feet to listen…My heart is yearning and I realize it has been a while since I have walked in the garden with My Lord.
“..those who remain in Me and I in them will produce much fruit. Apart from Me you can do nothing. ”
It is here that I utter a cry. No one would have heard it, but it came up from deep inside. From the telling place where all the chapters of my life are wrapped tightly like a scroll though I am hardly aware of it. But in the presence of God the pages unfurl. One by one in mere seconds and I am overwhelmed by the Love of my God. On bended knees, I fall.
“All to Jesus I surrender.
All to Him I freely give...
I surrender all.”
With a deep breath, I wipe the moisture from under my eyes and nose. I stand ready to finish the trail and face my beautiful life, reminded again of the many blessings. A prayer lingers on my tongue like a song I hope I never forget: “Oh, may I never lose this wonder…”